im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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