So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
