i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
