Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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