Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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