Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
