my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
