I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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