I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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