I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
