I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
