RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
