I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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