Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
