one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
