If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
