I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
