Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
