last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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