every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
