we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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