my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Did I show you my penis last night?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
