dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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