I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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