God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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