The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
