Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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