dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
