If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
they're like a gay fantastic four
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
