the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
