Moan for me like Helen Keller
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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