My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
