so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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