you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
