The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
