i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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