I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Randomize
