My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
