Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just want nice things and good sex
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
