it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
