ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
