i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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