Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize