I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
