Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
