Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
