my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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