Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
