Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
