ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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