He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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